15 Disturbing Behaviors Of Someone Who Is A “Vindictive” Narcissist

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Navigating relationships with narcissists is challenging on its own, but when you add a vindictive streak to the mix, things can become downright unsettling. Vindictive narcissists aren't merely self-absorbed; they actively seek to hurt those they perceive as threats or those who have "wronged" them. It's crucial to recognize these behaviors early on to protect your mental well-being. Here are 15 disturbing signs that someone might be a vindictive narcissist.

1. Relishes In Ruining Reputations

Vindictive narcissists take immense pleasure in tarnishing the reputations of those they view as adversaries. They spread rumors and falsehoods to paint their targets in an unflattering light, often fabricating stories to suit their narratives. These individuals are gifted in the art of manipulation, making their lies believable to others. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, such behaviors are often driven by a deep-seated need to maintain control and superiority over others. Their ultimate goal is to isolate their target, ensuring they have fewer allies.

Beyond spreading rumors, these narcissists might go to extreme lengths to undermine your credibility. They could, for instance, dig up personal information to use against you at the most opportune moment. Their attacks are often strategic, aiming to cause maximum damage with minimal effort. This behavior isn't impulsive; it's calculated and deliberate. The pleasure they derive from dismantling someone's social standing is as much about power as it is about their fragile ego.

2. Plays The Victim Card

One of the most troubling traits of a vindictive narcissist is their uncanny ability to twist situations to portray themselves as the victim. When faced with confrontation, they'll often turn the narrative to highlight their suffering, regardless of who was at fault initially. This manipulation often serves to garner sympathy from unsuspecting bystanders, who may not see the full picture. It's a classic diversion tactic, designed to deflect blame and regain control of the situation. The real victims can feel gaslit, as their experiences are invalidated in favor of the narcissist's "plight."

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In a group dynamic, they may rally others to their side by exaggerating or fabricating grievances. They aim to control the narrative, creating a scenario where you appear to be the aggressor. This behavior can be especially damaging in professional settings, where the line between truth and fiction can become blurred. As they gain sympathy, they are also gathering ammunition for their next move. The irony is palpable, as the person causing harm postures as the one harmed.

3. Skilled At Selective Amnesia

Have you ever noticed how some people conveniently "forget" harmful actions they've committed? Vindictive narcissists excel in selective amnesia, conveniently forgetting their wrongdoings while focusing on yours. This behavior can leave you questioning your own reality, as they seem genuinely unaware of their actions. As Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and author, points out, this behavior stems from their deeply ingrained need to protect their self-image at all costs, often leading them to dismiss or distort reality. It's a form of self-preservation that unfortunately has damaging impacts on those around them.

Their selective memory isn't just about forgetting; it's also about strategically remembering what benefits them most. They might recall every perceived slight you've ever committed while conveniently ignoring their own transgressions. This skewed recollection serves as a weapon in arguments, allowing them to deflect blame effortlessly. It's a form of psychological warfare that can leave you feeling disoriented and defensive. Over time, this tactic erodes trust, as you begin to doubt their sincerity and capacity for honesty.

4. Uses Your Secrets Against You

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In the early stages of a relationship, vindictive narcissists can seem disarmingly open and inviting. They encourage you to share your thoughts and secrets, creating a false sense of intimacy and trust. But once you part ways with them, these shared confidences can become weapons in their arsenal. Their intent isn't just to breach your trust but to control your narrative when tensions rise. By using your past vulnerabilities against you, they seek to keep you in check and maintain their upper hand.

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This betrayal often comes as a shock, especially if you've confided deeply personal information. The narcissist's aim is to exploit these secrets to manipulate your behavior or discredit you in front of others. They might threaten to reveal your confidences unless you comply with their demands. This kind of emotional blackmail can be incredibly distressing, leaving you feeling trapped and powerless. It's a reminder of how cruel and calculating a vindictive narcissist can be.

5. Turns Allies Into Adversaries

A vindictive narcissist's need for control often extends to those around you, not just you. They may try to turn your friends, family, or colleagues against you, slowly sowing seeds of doubt and discord. They are adept at identifying those who may already have grievances, using these to drive a wedge between you and your support system. Dr. Simon Rego, a chief psychologist at Montefiore Medical Center, highlights that this tactic is about isolating you, making you more reliant on the narcissist's skewed reality. The ultimate goal is to ensure that their version of events is the only version that matters.

In this process, they are often persuasive and charming, making it easy for others to be swayed by their version of the story. They may present themselves as the misunderstood party, painting you as unreasonable or unstable. This manipulation can fracture relationships, leaving you feeling alienated and unsupported. Over time, the isolation can wear you down, making it harder to see the truth behind their manipulations. It's a calculated move to keep you off-balance and dependent on their narrative.

6. Delights In Gaslighting

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Gaslighting is a favored tactic of the vindictive narcissist, playing on your sense of reality to keep you off-kilter. By constantly challenging your perceptions, they make you doubt your own experiences and memory. This psychological manipulation is designed to make you question your sanity, giving the narcissist a greater hold over your thoughts and actions. They might insist that certain events never happened or twist your words to make you seem irrational. The endgame is to destabilize you mentally and emotionally, making you easier to control.

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The effects of gaslighting can be profound, leaving you feeling confused and vulnerable. You might start to question your own judgment, wondering if you're the one who's misremembering events. This constant self-doubt can make you more reliant on the narcissist, as their version of reality becomes your new normal. The slow erosion of your confidence is precisely what the narcissist wants, as it makes you less likely to challenge their authority. Over time, this dynamic can become deeply ingrained, damaging your self-esteem and trust in others.

7. Enjoys Playing Mind Games

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Mind games are a staple in the vindictive narcissist's toolkit, designed to keep you guessing and unsure of their true intentions. These games often involve mixed messages, contradictions, and sudden changes in behavior, all intended to create chaos. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explains that these manipulative tactics are often a defense mechanism, allowing narcissists to maintain a sense of control and power. The unpredictability keeps you on edge, as you're never quite sure what to believe or expect. The aim is to keep you mentally exhausted, unable to challenge their dominance.

These games can take various forms, from giving you the silent treatment one moment to showering you with affection the next. This erratic behavior is deliberate, a way to keep you invested in their approval and attention. The more you try to understand or predict their actions, the more entangled you become in their web. This emotional rollercoaster can be draining, making it difficult for you to see the relationship clearly. By the time you realize what's happening, you may already feel trapped in their cycle of manipulation.

8. Obsessed With Revenge And Payback

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A vindictive narcissist harbors an intense need for revenge, often focusing on perceived slights or grievances. Their world is a zero-sum game where they can't rest until they've exacted retribution. This obsession can lead them to fixate on ways to "get even," no matter how minor the original issue was. They are unable to let go, seeing revenge as a validation of their superiority and the righting of perceived wrongs. This relentless pursuit of payback can be unsettling, as their actions are often unpredictable and disproportionate to the initial offense.

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Their concept of justice is skewed, based on personal vendettas rather than objective fairness. This mindset can lead to a cycle of retaliation, where every action from you is seen as a fresh provocation. They may go out of their way to make your life difficult, regardless of the consequences for themselves. This fixation isn't just about the act of revenge; it's about reasserting control and dominance. The fallout of their actions often leaves a trail of damaged relationships and emotional pain.

9. Exploits Your Emotions

Couple arguing planning a separation after infidelity crisis

Emotional exploitation is a common tactic among vindictive narcissists, who are skilled at identifying and manipulating your vulnerabilities. By feigning empathy or understanding, they can draw you in, only to use your emotions against you later. This manipulation often leaves you feeling exposed and betrayed, as their concern was never genuine. Instead, it was a ploy to gain your trust and gather information. Once they have what they need, your emotions are weaponized to further their agenda.

This exploitation can happen in various contexts, from romantic relationships to professional settings. They might appear supportive initially, only to twist your words or actions when it suits them. This betrayal can be particularly painful, as it often comes from someone you believed had your best interests at heart. Over time, this pattern can erode your confidence and emotional well-being, leaving you questioning your ability to trust others. The narcissist thrives on this uncertainty, as it keeps you reliant on their approval and guidance.

10. Loves To Play The Hero

In public, a vindictive narcissist often plays the role of the hero, eager to be seen as the savior of any situation. They thrive on admiration and praise, positioning themselves as the only one capable of resolving conflicts or helping others. This image is meticulously curated to mask their true nature and gain social approval. By appearing benevolent, they deflect any criticism or suspicion about their more sinister motives. This façade is an essential tool in their manipulation, as it makes it harder for others to believe any negative claims against them.

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Behind closed doors, however, their actions tell a different story. The hero persona is a smoke screen, designed to distract from their vindictive behavior. They may even create situations or conflicts to swoop in and "save the day," further cementing their role. This duality can be confusing for those involved, as the narcissist's public and private personas are starkly different. The hero act is less about helping others and more about reinforcing their own self-image and control.

11. Feeds Off Drama

Drama is the lifeblood of a vindictive narcissist, providing them with the excitement and attention they crave. They may instigate conflicts, create chaos, or pit people against each other to stir the pot. This constant upheaval keeps everyone around them on edge, unable to predict what will happen next. The narcissist thrives in this environment, as it elevates their status as the center of attention. Drama isn't just a byproduct of their behavior; it's a deliberate strategy to keep control and maintain their dominance.

In personal relationships, this drama can manifest as frequent arguments or manufactured crises. The narcissist's goal is to keep you emotionally reactive, ensuring you remain focused on them. Even in professional settings, their penchant for drama can create a toxic work environment, as they manipulate colleagues and situations to their advantage. As long as there's chaos, they feel relevant and powerful. The trick is to recognize this pattern and distance yourself from the whirlwind before it consumes you.

12. Manipulates Through Guilt

Guilt is a powerful tool for vindictive narcissists, who use it to manipulate and control those around them. By making you feel responsible for their emotions or actions, they can pressure you into compliance. This tactic often involves exaggerating their own suffering or misfortune to elicit your sympathy. Once you feel guilty, they have the leverage needed to influence your decisions and behavior. This manipulation can be subtle, leaving you questioning whether you're genuinely at fault or being played.

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In relationships, guilt-tripping can take the form of emotional blackmail, where you're made to feel responsible for the narcissist's happiness. They may insist that your actions are the cause of their distress, urging you to "make it right" despite the lack of fault on your part. This dynamic can be exhausting, as you're constantly working to appease their demands and alleviate your guilt. Over time, this manipulation can wear down your self-esteem and sense of autonomy. The key is to recognize these guilt tactics and set boundaries to protect yourself.

13. Controls The Narrative

A vindictive narcissist is obsessed with controlling the narrative, ensuring their version of events is the one everyone believes. They carefully craft stories and explanations to paint themselves in the best possible light while discrediting others. This control extends to all aspects of their life, from personal relationships to professional interactions. By dominating the narrative, they maintain power and influence over those around them. It's a calculated move designed to manipulate perceptions and keep their true nature hidden.

In practice, this often involves revising history to suit their agenda. They may downplay their own mistakes while magnifying others' errors to shift blame away from themselves. This manipulation can make it difficult for others to see the reality of the situation, as the narcissist's version is often convincing and well-articulated. This control over the narrative serves to isolate their target, as those around them are drawn into their web of deception. The result is a distorted reality, where the narcissist reigns supreme.

14. Dismisses Your Achievements

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For a vindictive narcissist, your success is a threat to their ego, so they work diligently to undermine your achievements. They may belittle your accomplishments, suggesting they were easy or insignificant. This dismissal isn't just about jealousy; it's a tactic to keep you feeling small and dependent. By minimizing your successes, they maintain their position of superiority, ensuring you don't overshadow them. The impact of this can be profound, leaving you doubting your capabilities and self-worth.

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In professional settings, this might involve taking credit for your work or sabotaging your efforts to ensure you don't outshine them. In personal relationships, they may downplay your achievements, suggesting they weren't as impressive as they seem. This constant belittlement serves to chip away at your confidence, making you more reliant on their approval. It's a calculated move to maintain control, as your self-doubt keeps you tethered to their narrative. Recognizing this pattern is crucial to breaking free from their oppressive influence.

15. Thrives On Division

Creating division is a hallmark of the vindictive narcissist, who thrives on pitting people against each other. They may spread misinformation or fan the flames of existing conflicts to create discord. This divisive behavior serves their purpose by keeping everyone around them distracted and at odds. The resulting chaos allows the narcissist to maintain control, as they position themselves as the calm center in a storm of their own making. It's a deliberate strategy to ensure their dominance and keep others disempowered.

In a group setting, this behavior can fracture relationships and create a toxic environment. The narcissist may identify weaknesses in group dynamics, exploiting them to sow seeds of mistrust and jealousy. This division can make it difficult for others to unite against the narcissist, as they're too busy dealing with the fallout of the conflicts. By keeping everyone focused on their own battles, the narcissist ensures their own position remains unchallenged. It's a manipulative tactic that serves to reinforce their authority and control.